Believe Both Sides of the But
Does ignoring everything left of a but set you up for success?
Photo by Karsten Winegeart on Unsplash
“Ignore everything that comes before the but in a sentence.”
It’s an oft-used directive when folks try to help those in relationships where the messages feel mixed to the person we’re talking to. Historically, I’ve used it more than once.
Then, a bit of information from a college logic class totally blew and changed my mind about the appropriateness of the sentiment.
From a simple logic perspective, ‘but’ and ‘and’ get coded the same way. The statement to the right and the statement to the left of the conjunctive word have to be true for the statement to be true.
When we tell folks to ignore the stuff to the left of the but, we’re telling them to ignore something that just might be true. We’re negating part of our lived experience.
The world we live in is convoluted. Our experiences are contradictory. The people we share our lives with are complicated.
We aren’t just one thing.
Most of the time, we’re experiencing a multiplicity of emotions. Internally, we’re bombarded with a jumble of wants and needs.
Contradiction is integral to the human experience.
“But” allows us, in three letters, to acknowledge the contradiction.
When reaching for harmony between experiencing connection with other people and cultivating an ongoing sense of safe enough, it serves me better to know that both things on the side of a “but” can be true.
My friend could really want to spend time with me, and not have the time or energy in their lives to make that happen on my schedule.
My partner can want to be with me, and be frustrated with how I withdraw into myself when I’m struggling.
Following the “ignore everything before the but” advice does poorly serves both us and the person we’re in a relationship with by only allowing room for us to paint the totality of our experience with them as if we only ever had access to one brush and one paint color.
It can also dysregulate our system because only focusing on the stuff after the ‘but’ inherently feels like a lie to our system. We can’t un-hear the first part. We can’t un-experience the moments of warmth and connection we’ve had with folks historically.
I’m not saying you should stay. Heck, I unintentionally excel at holding up mirrors and asking you why you’re staying.
I’m saying, stop trying to make your life black and white. All and nothing are largely intellectual constructs.
As you gaze into the moments that could exonerate or condemn your relationship, consider the totality of the experience.
Sure, put more weight on the current parts of your relationship. With a sober eye, examine what’s working for you and what’s not. Ask yourself if you want to repeat these patterns for another five years.
Sort out what you can change from what you can’t. Keep doing your own work.
Look for the joyous and the grave, the helpful and the harmful, the good and the bad.
Acknowledging both sides of the but means you’re working from a position of agency where the decision you make isn’t about what you believe, but what you allow in your life.
A special thanks to Ravyne Hawke for the prompt “exonerate or condemn” via Promptly Written.
