Coaching People without a Planned Sequence of Events

Organic Coaching and Holding Space for Others to Grow

Photo by Wim van 't Einde on Unsplash

“What’s alive for you today?”

It’s a foundational question I try to ask at the start of every session. For me, it’s the key to meeting my fellow travelers where they’re at.

Yes, we have broader topics that we’re working through, and yes, there’s probably follow-up from last week. And yet, I always want to start with what’s important to the client’s system in the here and now.

Sure, the organic approach flows out of my convoluted relationship with planning and reflects my system’s resistance to being told what to do. It also works well for folks finding their feet, claiming their stories, and connecting to others.

So, what would that look like if you were to join me for a conversation?

You choose the conversational direction.

Don’t worry; I’m not going to leave you standing in front of a figurative 57-flavored Coke machine and floundering to come up with something to talk about.

And, if you want to spend time with me this week talking about the latest Bridgerton plot twist, that’s what we’ll do. I’ll likely have many questions because I’m illiterate about current pop culture. It’s also possible those questions might ask you to talk about what you’re responding to and why.

It also means that our coaching conversations can be a place where you tell parts of your story over and over again as you learn what they mean not only to your brain but also what they mean to your system.

I’ve experienced that magic moment where things just shift. Many folks holding healing spaces don’t want to talk about how many times some of us have to revisit that space before the magic happens.

In my imagination, I've stood before my mom wondering why she had kids at all hundreds of times. Each time allowed me to experience and honor a bit more of her choice's emotional and physical impact on my lived experience until a big sheet of anger sloughed off like magic.

The release took five minutes. The work to reach where I could stand in the space and release the rage took over two years.

So, if you need to talk through horrid thing 84 again, we'll do that.

You will have many chances to tell me you don’t want to hear what I have to say.

Identifying and stating your limits can be an undiscovered country for those of us with childhoods that ran us over or helped us build tough outer shells (so people could speak to you how they spoke to you). I'll give you plenty of opportunities to practice.

I ask questions like, “Are you open to some observations about that?” And. “Do you have space for another perspective?”

These moments serve as a growing edge for both of us. You get the opportunity to evaluate in real time if you actually want a different perspective. I get to intentionally practice honoring your voice and choice from a place of support rather than a place of trying to keep the peace.

You’ll be talking to a peer, not a clinician.

There won’t be any diagnosing happening as we speak. As someone who’s walked out of my own darkness and continues to do my work, I do my best to minimize the power dynamics in our relationship.

You are the subject matter expert on your experience. Who you are and where you’re at is primary to our conversation. You may struggle to find words or ways to explain how something works in your system, and you still know your system way better than anyone else will.

I’ll provide as much support and education as our systems allow. As a systems thinker, I may have some perspective or language I ask you to consider. You can tell me you don’t actually want, or if you say yes and it doesn’t work, you can totally push back.

You’ll find yourself in a space held for you so your truth can be witnessed.

At the end of the day, after decades of work and a metric ton of reflection, I know that my system responded best when what I experienced was seen and validated.

So much of what we hold lives in the darkness. We don’t let it out because we know it will be corrected. If not by the person we’re sitting with, by the judgy asshats in our head.

When you bring it to the light and experience it being witnessed by someone who believes in your experience, the power holding it in place begins to leach away.

Space to try yourself on and see what it feels like.

Ultimately, an organic approach to coaching meets you where you’re at and creates a safe enough space for you to find your feet, claim your stories, and connect to others.