A Practical Guide to Deciding When to Apologize

An approach for cultivating sovereignty and agency.

Photo by Steve DiMatteo on Unsplash

Everyone has bad days.

Sometimes, bad days lead to uncomfortable and cranky situations. Occasionally, we must deal with the aftermath of those painful and prickly situations.

As a recovered serial apologizer and a firm believer in being responsible for what I do and say, sometimes I'm put in a position of deciding whether or not my actions and words need to be apologized for.

The forced apologies of my childhood led to my becoming someone who would apologize for things I wasn't even involved in. That sense that I was always wrong permeated my sense of who I was. As part of my recovery, I had to learn how to stop apologizing because the sky was overcast (among other things).

Limiting my apologies required me to see myself as worthy of being considered human rather than a cog in some big wheel I had control over. I couldn't see myself as a person with agency until I expanded my values about how I treat people to include myself. Speaking up for myself may be uncomfortable or hurtful to others. And I still need to do it.

So, my process for addressing my behavior in the face of reported harm looks something like this:

Step One 
Acknowledge the other person's feelings. I find thinking to myself the following to be helpful: "I understand that when stuff went down, they felt insert their feeling words here."

Step Two 
Review my behavior to verify that it met my expectations for my behavior and guiding values.

Step Three Option A

If this reflection reveals that I behaved out of alignment, I apologize - either out loud or in writing.

For example, one day, I said something that someone found harmful. When they come to talk to me about it, I listen, verify I understand what they found harmful, and ask for a moment so I can do some reflection. During my reflection, I put aside my intention and evaluated my words for grace and kindness (the two places I usually fall down). My words were not aligned with my expectations and values. I apologized because my words were out of alignment.

For example, "During that conversation, I was overly sarcastic. I hurt your feelings. I'm sorry." It's a simple apology. It acknowledges the wrongdoing, it recognizes the consequences, and it apologizes. This is a simple apology. If needed, the "why something happened" piece should be part of a different conversation. If I know how I'll be working on adjusting that behavior going forward, I may mention it.

Step Three Option B 

If this reflection reveals that I behaved in alignment, I don't apologize.

Working with an alternative version of the example above, I reviewed what I said, and it aligned with my expectations and values. In those moments, I'll say, "I see how that could feel really harsh to your system. It feels like we have a mismatch in our communication styles." A throwaway apology remains trapped behind my teeth, and I'm maintaining the connection to myself in the moment.

Sometimes, folks will get insistent about wanting an apology. In those conversations, I told them that my behavior met my expectations of how I show up in the world. I will likely continue to show up that way, and if it's a problem, we need to create distance between us.

There is a metric ton of privilege in this approach. I'm an educated, well-off, heterosexual, white ciswoman living in the southeastern part of the United States; I have several runways worth of room to be ridiculous. I recognize this hard and fast rule for not apologizing if I'm not sorry may not be a safe or sane practice for many folks around me.

For those without my privilege, I encourage you to limit your apologies as much as possible to support your sense of sovereignty and agency.