OK, so I know saying that while sharing the oh, so perfect picture of my attitude the summer I turned one isn't fair.

And I'm not kidding. Don't call me cute.

It's a boundary I have.

Intellectually, I know it's not rational. For me, the rationality (or lack thereof) doesn't change the reality that being called cute as an adult clenches my jaw, pulls my shoulder to my knees, and generally encourages outwardly direct violence.

So, when people call me cute, I say, "Please don't call me cute."

Sometimes people ask why. Sometimes I tell them.

Sometimes the request isn't understood, and they call me cute again. The language shifts to "Don't call me cute."

And that's when maintaining this boundary I have becomes interesting.

Boundaries: Characteristics of interaction, environment, and context that establish what parts of me show up in a space.

What Are Boundaries?


From the big picture perspective, we deploy boundaries as defenses to keep ourselves safe and stable. Visible defensive boundaries include:

• Asking for what you need.

• Limiting your engagement with a situation.

• Agree with another person about how your relationship will work, whether platonic, romantic, or professional.

This overarching understanding of boundaries suggests that they are like fences or walls and don't move much once they're in place. This boundary framework requires that we recognize two things. First, we can often install boundaries and forget them because fences and walls do their thing until someone bumps into them. Second, sometimes we are the person bumping into the boundary. Unlike our fences and walls, we change, and that boundary that served us well for years may need to be moved.

From the practical perspective, boundaries are guidelines and considerations we use when choosing how we interact with the world. Boundaries permeate all aspects of our lives, from how things work in our houses, how things work at our jobs, how we interact with people we've just met, what we expect from service staff, and how we expect our friends to treat us.

Boundary discussions challenge us because contextual factors like power differentials, requirements to maintain safety, and cultural expectations are just a few things that determine where and how we install and maintain boundaries.

So, what does that big long academic sentence actually mean? Well, for me, it means that "Please don't call me cute" is my default way of responding to the word, not the one I'd like to use. As a middle-aged, wealthy, educated, white woman in the southern United States, the way I ask for my needs to be met is often more willingly received when I don't make it sound like a demand.

As soon as I switch to "Don't call me cute," there are people who label me difficult and bossy and probably a Karen.

When you add in a power differential, the interaction becomes more complicated, especially if I hold less agency within the relationship. One of my former bosses called me cute for over a decade, even with me asking him not to dozens of times.

I can hear my inner critic now, "So, if this cute word is a boundary, why did you stay working there?" We ask that of a lot of people about a lot of things. Me, I stayed because I needed a job, and I knew the pain points of the one I had. For a while, my options were to not be called cute or have enough money for rent. Is it any wonder which option prevailed?

Identifying Boundaries

For those of us with challenging childhoods, it's common to walk through our adult life having few boundaries. Or, at least feeling that way. For many of us, surviving became about molding ourselves into who or what others wanted while ignoring our own wants and needs. This behavioral pattern - which is total genius, btw - sets us up to struggle with identifying and holding boundaries in adulthood.

I use identifying here intentionally. Because, as much as we bend and reshape ourselves, we have boundaries we've learned to ignore. So, part of the healing process requires identifying what your boundaries are. When I go boundary hunting, I look for the things that aggravate me or set my teeth on edge. I also look at the times when I notice I'm having to elevate how much energy I spend to control what I'm saying or doing. The aggravation, the set teeth, and the watching of my tongue are my naturally occurring signals that some portion of the interaction challenges my ability to be in a space fully, with the entirety of my person. I didn't realize being called cute wasn't unacceptable to me until the dozenth time I said, "Please don't call me cute."

Once you start identifying your boundaries, you can begin to explore when and how you choose to maintain them.

Maintaining Boundaries

It doesn't sound sexy, but maintaining boundaries often requires thoughtfulness and finesse. Context enters the conversation when we talk about maintaining a boundary because the diversity of your wants and needs influence how maintenance occurs.

Sometimes, when other needs overshadow the need addressed by the boundary, you let things slide, as I did with the boss that kept calling me cute. In that circumstance, letting it slide included accepting that the dude wasn't going to stop and saying, "Please don't call me cute," in response almost every time he said it.

Other times, it's a social situation where we're still feeling each other out, or I've already decided they'll remain acquaintances. In these circumstances, I limit how much engagement I have with that person going forward.

Things get trickier when the pushback happens in a relationship I want to keep or even deepen. Then, I must step in and own that I do not want to be called cute. I will likely explain why I don't like the word. And if the other person keeps pushing, I'll shift the conversation to consent. Because boundaries - this one in particular - are about what we consent to have done in our presence.

An alternative to using many words, explaining yourself, and trying to poke at others' behavior is to set behavioral expectations for what you do. In this case, "I close off relationships with people who insist on calling me cute."

As a personal practice, I adjust the language for these behavioral expectations to something that fits the mold of "I'm going to do X if Y continues to happen." I use the "I'm going to do X" framing to establish that I'm the one taking responsibility for holding the boundary. It's a way to affirm and confirm that I care for myself. I shift the language as necessary to make the X a thing I will do (i.e., I will hang up the phone, I will leave the meeting, I will cut off contact). I use "if Y continues to happen" framing because it is specific about what part of an interaction challenges my boundary.

In learning about maintaining boundaries, I've also heard about the monotone repetition of the boundary each time someone challenges it. Often this recommendation comes when people are trying to navigate long-standing relationships that they want to keep open, like relationships between parents and adult children. While I've offered it as an option, it's not one I've often used because, for significant issues, I don't have the patience for it as I get too riled when it feels like people aren't listening to me.

So, that's an introduction to boundaries. They're simple and complex. Sometimes, we need a partner to help us figure out what are boundaries are and how we maintain them. If you'd like a fellow traveler on your journey as you work on your boundaries to reclaim your wholeness, see the service section in the menu above and check out my one-on-one coaching options.

Travel safely. -Kelli